Girl Meets World

Never Ending Anxieties

The thought of even coming home makes me sick to my stomache. It's not meant to be an insult to any of you or anything, because I do miss you all and can't wait to see you again, it's just the thought of going back to that mediocre thing I used to call a life. My entire year last year I had all of what? 2 friends that I saw. Tabitha and Amanda. Sure we're incredibly close and all but we've all got our own agenda's that seem to clash more often then not, in can be a lonely kind of life. It will be so nice to have Nicole closer this year for sure. I'm excited as hell to have her just s a ferry ride away. The thought of going back to Malaspina, though, petrifies me because I'm so sure that I'm not sure about anything. I have no idea where I want to go with my life anymore. I still love writing but I wonder if that will ever amount to anything. It's such a risky career choice. Maybe I'm not as good as I hope I am? The only way my degree won't have me washing toilets for a living is if I get into the publishing program at Simon Fraser and they take so few people, I'm not sure I've got what it takes. The whole West Coast notion that Malaspina isn't good enough will hurt my chances even more, which sucks because Malaspina isn't actually all that bad. I'm probably better off than most of the people at SFU or UVIC or UBC because I have such easy access to my professors and such small class sizes. That's a whole three years away, though, I'm not even sure I want to do six years of school, so in that case I will have a useless degree. The only shred of hope I may have in a future is the paltry business minor I'm going to attempt to complete.

Life would be so much easier if I could just sit down and write a novel and then sell it. For one it would make life so much easier because I wouldn't have to worry about money and maybe I could do the schooling I really want to. For another it would make me feel so much better because until I can sell something how do I know I'm good enough? It's all my stupid Fiction professors fault. Though I don't even want to call her a professor as she wasn't much older than myself and that, in my eyes, makes her far less qualified to pass judgement on my work. It baffles me how she stuck me with a B in that class while people who were far less writers than myself walked off with higher marks. I'm not trying to sound egotystical, I swear, but some of the writers in that class were awful. Their language didn't flow or they over used big words. There were people in that class who could write but didn't have an ounce of creativity in them. I mean the stories I handed out for the class to read, well the chapters of my novel, people loved them. I got one person hand my story back with a comment that said it actually made her cry. So it's just incredibly frustrating. This stupid teacher has gone and made me really doubt myself at at time when I really need to be sure of stuff.

I'm being really depressing I know, this is what happens when I'm left alone for extended periods of time. I start to think about stuff. I wish I could just take a year off and stay here, or go to school here. There's something about Florida that makes life sunnier or something. I've only been unhappy here when thinking about going home. Maybe it would suck here after everyone leaves, though. I have no idea. I have no way of knowing anyways as I have to go home on the 1st whether I like it or not. Stupid Visa. I wish I could have dual citizenship or something, just so I could come back and work seasonal when I want. I'd love that so much.
I need to stop thinking, it only leads to bad things.

Today was an okay day. I didn't do a hell of alot. I woke up and went on my computer then had some lunch. Then Charlotte and I went to DTD to see Click. It was an okay movie. I enjoyed it. After the show we went to the cast McDonalds which was cool. I didn't know there was one there. I had a happy meal for 3 dollars which wasn't bad. Then Charlotte went to work and I caught the bus home. I read for awhile then came on the computer and began to obsess again. It's my worst fault. I obsess like nobodies business. I'm going out for dinner with Kevin and his family in like half an hour I think. Somewhere in Celebration. It should be nice.

I work tomorrow at 10:30am til 9:30pm, so think of me as I'll be dying by the end of my shift. It's going to be a long day. Lots of people do them just fine, though, so hopefully I'll be alright. At least I don't work Monday or Tuesday. Then I'm back again on Wednesday for four straight days. No idea what my schedule is like for next week yet. I'm sure I'll know by tomorrow, though. I must be off as my hands are starting to wear out from all the typing. Have a nice night all.

Brynna

P.S- hopefully I didn't depress anyone. I promise you I'm not actually depressed or anything, just contemplative.

posted by Unknown on Saturday, July 15, 2006